Stoff the Goth, a proud member of the church

Stoff says:
Yay for Sean Brennan!
Lamort says:
amen my child
Stoff says:
Such a talented singer. Such a wonderful band.
Lamort says:
once I have them in my church the masses shall flow muahaha
Stoff says:
Well, yeah.
Lamort says:
then we can get around to detroying all those false idols, my second face part of the job
Stoff says:
That sounds like fun.
Lamort says:
oh yes, along with the yearly emo hunt
Stoff says:
Are guns and ammunition and other equipment provided by the church or just the emos?
Lamort says:
guns? afraid to get bloody?
Lamort says:
hell do what I do and grab a pitchfork
Stoff says:
Not at all.
Stoff says:
I just like picking them off when they think they've got away. ^_^
Lamort says:
during the year we round up a bunch of emos, confiscate their razors and on May 1st each year they are released and they can be hunted, rewards given for scalps
Stoff says:
What sort of rewards?
Lamort says:
well while the pleasure of the hunt should be enough, I pay rewards of weapons, booze and other fun toys. The more scalps the cooler the prize
Stoff says:
Hm, sounds good.
Stoff says:
But what if one of the members of your church *becomes* an emo?
Lamort says:
punishment for turning to the pathetic side is DEATH!
Stoff says:
A fair call.
Stoff says:
One thing I am worried about...is that a lot of people have difficulty telling between emos and goths.
Stoff says:
I express concern that some of my bretheren may be targeted accidently by your church...
Stoff says:
what steps are being taken to minimize collateral damage? Any? None?
Lamort says:
they shall have a fair trial
Stoff says:
The basic question here is, will we have to destroy you?
Lamort says:
voltaire will judge them
Stoff says:
Your terms are acceptable. *nods*

The Church Of Lamort

The Church of our true lord Lamort is now open. The old gods are dead and who better to lead us?

First we must update old rituals, the original 10 commandments were fine back in the day.
Recently Lamort presented his loyal followers with the new commantments, engraved in stone.

1. You shall have no other gods before me. Or after me. Or at the same time.
2. Worshipping idols of Lamort is not ownly accepted but also encouraged. The more flattering the better.
3. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God. (This one will stay through the ages).
4. Remember the weekend, and keep it holy. Unlike your old god I forbid doing work of any sort on either Saturday or Sunday. While the old god made his blood into wine, Lamort's blood is pure rum and you shall remember him by consuming rum all weekend and retiring to your bedroom with a partner.
5. Don't worry about honouring you mother and father once you hit 16, by then they have served their purpose
6. Thou shalt not murder. Emos are not people so its not murder. The slaughter of emos is encouraged and rewarded in the afterlife.
7. Adultery is not all that bad.
8. Thou shall not steal, except from those who are weaker then yourself. Those who do not take steps to prevent it only bring it upon themselves.
9. You can covet thou neighbours wife, sister, daughter, hell covet their goat if you want.
10. Pornography should be embraced, not hidden and denied.

No longer will churches be somber, they will be a celebration of Lamort. We shall burn the old hymns and replace them with uplifting songs of praise, such as Fatboy Slim - Praise you. Also once a month a... spiritual musical group will be invited to lead us in prayer, such as Voltaire, Jack of Jill or Deathstars. The morbid Jesus on a cross will be removed and replace with a Lamort, in much the same pose as Kevin Smith's Buddy Christ.

And already I have seen some of those destined to become Lamort's 12 apostles, soon they shall be recruited:
Kevin Smith (Director and filmmaker)
Sean Brennan (London after Midnight)
Sylvia Saint (Adult film star)
George Ouzounian (AKA Maddox, http://bestpageintheuniverse.com)
David Duchovny (Because he is Fox Mukder)
Aldo Montano (Winner of the gold medal for Fencing with a Saber at 2004 olympics)
Steve Buscemi (Actor)

Soon the world shall bathe in the glory of Lamort.

Do I need to say more?

Lamort's Scavanger Hunt

Lamort’s Scavenger hunt

Ok kids, load up digital cameras cause here is the list of photos I want!

1. 5 * Security Cameras
2. Sword
3. Rifle
4. Pistol
5. Police Officer
6. 2 * Cops cars
7. 4 * People on bikes
8. Child in a uniform
9. 10 * computers
10. 3 * strollers
11. A trolley
12. A 1997 gravestone
13. 5 * dancing people
14. Punch buggy
15. 2 * Pedo vans
16. 5 * Asian people
17. 2 * Crimes
18. 25 * mobile phones
19a. Small fire
19b. Medium Fire
19c. Large fire
20a. Male boob
20b. Female boob
21. 5 * covers from good albums
22. 5 * covers from bad albums
23. A pounder
24. “Coxlol” on a non-geek
25. Crying emo
26. the library toilet
27. popped bubble wrap
28. someone drinking alcohol
29. Mrs Licia (the car)
30. 3 * different animal eggs
31. Mohawk
32. Mullet
33. A monkey statue
34. A public pentagram
35. A fork & a $100 note in a microwave
36. Human blood
37. Bert’s mum
38. 4 * upside down crosses
39. This list
40. A star of David
41. an ankh
42. skull and crossbones
43. the word “know” in a bible
44. a black person
45. road kill
46. a broken window
47. A white kitten
48. A black kitten
49. A Noob
50. Person on bike with no helmet
51. 4 * graffiti on a toilet wall
52. Sleeping person
53. Light saber duel
54. The letters “F” “N” & “G” on a number plate
55. A full house
56. The Bela Lugosi stare
57. A Wii
58. Crabs
59. A birthday card for a 23 year old
60. A birthday cake for a 17 year old
61. The inside of Centerlink
62. KFC employee
63. Hungry Jacks employee
64. IGA employee (not pHr4nK0)
65. Nature’s Emporium employee
66. Rent-A-Cop
67. A tattoo
68. Suspicious looking rash
69. two chairs in a 69
70. red pillowcase
71. K-Mart employee
72. Eagle Boys employee
73. Rhino’s girlfriend
74. Inside a gym
75. Stoff The Goth
76. Miniature Battle
77. Irony
78. Fire Engine
79. A mole
80. inside of a church
81. an afro
82. something penis-shaped
83. porn mag
84. an Atari
85. a redhead
86. a band
87. Chewed gum
88. Pepperoni Pizza
89. A flag
90. skid marks
91. Green condom
92. Ambulance
93. Steak
94. A natural 20
95. A clown

4 guys a camera and an unsuspecting town

It's kind of like 2 guys a girl and a pizza place only:
Slightly funnier, with no Ryan Renolds, and far less likely to get broadcast on national television.















Bert (AKA PeteyPoo) about to... load his center dock

















pHr4nK0 loves his fist full of power!
















We had found our place in the world.















The Jesus, The Jesus, The Jesus is on fire,
We don't need no water let the baby saviour burn,
Burn holy family burn!

...Going to hell? Yes. Worth it? Yes.