Rules for Role-Playing Games

These rules apply to any game Bakilas is taking part in:
1. Cannot base characters off musicians in rock bands.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
5. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
6. "How to serve Dragons" is not a cookbook.
7. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
8. Not allowed to berserk just for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
9. If I'm the sorcerer, I must learn at least ONE offensive or defensive spell.
10. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
11. Ogres are not kosher.
12. Plan B is not automatically "Twice as much gunpowder as Plan A."
13. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
14. "Collateral Damage Man" is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
15. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
16. Drow are not good eatin'.
17. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
18. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
19. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
20. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
21. EVEN if the rules allow it, I am NOT allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
22. The green elf does not need food badly.
23. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
24. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie.
25. The Goddess of Marriage's chosen weapon is NOT the whip.
26. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on the other side of the paper.
27. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
28. The backup trap handler is not "Whoever has the most HP at the time."
29. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
30. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking.'
31. I am not allowed to base a Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
32. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
33. I am not allowed to convice the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
34. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
35. When investigating evil cultists, not allowed to just torch the decrepit mansion from the outside.
36. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand.'
37. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
38. No longer allowed to set nazi propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
39. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1-point skills.
40. They do not make Nair in Wookie sizes.
41. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
42. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
43. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to simply asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
44. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
45. My bard does not know how to play 'Inna Godda Davida' on marachas.
46. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
47. Cannot pimp out other party members.
48. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
49. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
50. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
51. I am not allowed to do anything "I saw Han Solo do once."
52. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
53. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
54. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
55. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers."
56. "Bring him back intact" includes redundant organs.
57. There is no 'Annoy' setting on a phaser.
58. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
59. Not allowed to name my cudgel 'Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.'
60. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live."
61. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I'll take care of the traps."
62. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
63. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
64. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
65. I am not liquid metal.
66. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
67. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
68. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
69. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
70. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
71. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
72. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
73. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
74. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
75. The elf's name is not Legolam.
76. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw "Dark Secret: Not Gay."
77. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
78. The name of the weapon shop is NOT "Bloodbath and Beyond."
79. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
80. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on either Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
81. My one wish cannot be "I wish everything on this piece of paper was true."
82. Nor can it be "I wish you wouldn't grant this wish."
83. Nor can it be "I wish we were playing another game."
84. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
85. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
86. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
87. I do not have weapon profiency in Cat.
88. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
89. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
90. I did not pick up the Garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
91. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
92. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the Bag of Holding ONCE.
93. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
94. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
95. My character's names cannot be anagrams of Playboy Playmates.
96. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
97. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful Anal.
98. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
99. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
100. Lingerie can fall off coincidentally only so many times per day.
101. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
102. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the enemy's mainframe.
103. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
104. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
105. There is no such feat as "Death Blossom."
106. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
107. The King's Guards' official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirts."
108. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs, or bubble wrap.
109. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
110. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
111. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear.'
112. My maid does not know kung fu.
113. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god "just in case one of them is right."
114. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
115. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
116. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
117. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
118. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
119. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
120. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
121. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
122. I will not hit on every noblewoman at the royal ball until I roll a critical on my charisma check.
123. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
124. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
125. When one person forgets to buy rations, eating the half-elf is NOT our first option.
126. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
127. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
128. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
129. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
130. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
131. "Whatever monster we just killed" is not to be tonight's dinner.
132. Not allowed to try and make a Dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
133. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
134. I am forbidden from replacing ANYTHING with Folger's Crystals to see if they notice.
135. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
136. I was not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
137. I am neither the pagan god, nor goddess, of fertility.
138. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
139. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
140. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
141. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
142. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer, or Isle of Langerhans.
143. Stinking Cloud is a privilege, not a right.
144. There are no profanities in Celestial.
145. 'Chummer' means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
146. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
147. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
148. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
149. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
150. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
151. Tourrete's Syndrome is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
152. Dual-wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
153. My character is not related in any way to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
154. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
155. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
156. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
157. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
158. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
159. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
160. Character descriptions cannot contain any two of the following words: Slavic, Tone-deaf, Karaoke, Musician.
161. My superhero's strength is not classified as "snazzy," "neato," or "bodacious."
162. My Eastern character's lips cannot be out of sync with what he is saying.
163. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
164. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
165. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
166. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
167. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
168. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
169. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
170. Even if other parties always start the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
171. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
172. There is no prestige class 'Drizzt Slayer.'
173. They do not make heavy weapons with pump action.
174. There is an upper limit to the number of gangsters I can fit in a Volkswagen.
175. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
176. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
177. In formal introductions to royalty, I may not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
178. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
179. Druids are not against my religion.
180. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a Half-Gnome do you?
181. I am forbidden from monologuing.
182. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
183. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
184. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
185. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
186. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
187. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
188. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game of which the GM has to look up the definition.
189. My bard cannot play, or has ever heard of, the theremin, didgeridoo or glass harmonica.
190. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
191. Cannot use the Jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
192. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
193. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
194. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
195. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
196. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
197. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
198. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
199. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime